If you are someone who has to plan a funeral due to the loss of a loved one, or perhaps you are attending a service for a family member or friend, here are some explanations of terms and situations you may find yourself having to address.

The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis the death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that first step toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information has been prepared as a convenient reference for modern funeral practices and customs.

The Funeral Service
The type of service conducted for the deceased is specified by the family. Our funeral directors are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type of service they desire. The service, held at our chapel, graveside, or in the temple, with the deceased present, is in accordance with the family’s wishes and the rabbi’s direction. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and day and time of the service to be held.

Private Service
This service is by invitation only and may be held at our chapel or graveside. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often times a formal newspaper announcement is published after the funeral has been conducted.

Pallbearers
Friends, relatives, or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. Although this is not required, many people consider this a privilege and are honored to respect the deceased in this manner. Pallbearers can either be active or honorary, and both men and women are welcome to assist at the request of the deceased’s family.

Eulogy
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect
the life of the person who has died.

Dress
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion. Men should always wear yarmulkes out of respect, and mantias are optional for women.

Funeral Procession/Cortege
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home or temple. The funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.

Condolences
The time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.

Flowers
Flowers are generally not used in Jewish funerals.

Memorial Donations
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity, is always welcomed. A large number of memorial funds are available, however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Our funeral directors are familiar with them and can explain each option.

Sympathy Cards
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.

Personal Note
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.

Acknowledgements
The family should acknowledge the messages sent by relatives and friends, donations made to a charity in memory of the deceased, and anyone who has traveled a great distance to share the family’s grief. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement cards which can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:

"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."

In some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.

Children at Funerals
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.

Grief Recovery
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.

Help a Grieving Friend
Be a listener
Grieving people often find they need to talk about what's happened and how they feel about it. You don't have to fix their grief or cheer them up, but you can share the load just by being there to listen.
It's all right to cry
There's no need to say "be brave" or "be strong." Crying helps emotions to be released so they won't get bottled up. To give permission for tears, anger or any other emotions will let your friend know you aren't uncomfortable with their grief.

Stay in touch
Remember that grief doesn't go away in a few short weeks. Even one year may not be long enough to adjust to changes in your life. So, a friend who calls in 3, 6, or 12 months time may be one of the few who still asks how things are going. Special days like birthdays or holidays may be just the time to pick up the phone and say, "I was thinking of you today."